How Do You Sleep?

Been thinking about you..

Tripped the other day and when I thought I was going insane your name was the thing that brought me back and calmed me down. I did a lot of thinking.

I thought I was okay now but now I realize that I'm just in denial and I'm just ignoring how I feel. That is probably for the best.

You confuse me as well though. I think you've moved on because it seems pretty obvious but clearly you made a move on me that I resisted surprisingly. I don't know what to think. I used to regret ever telling you the story that was the reason for our breakup. I still kinda do but I don't like to think about that. I used to be so happy.

Not that I'm depressed or anything because you're like my best friend, but it used to be so much better. I still miss you, it's not the same.

Lose Your Head Just For Your Heart

It is almost the end of the quarter. Finals are next week and I am not stressing too much. Things have been good lately and I have actually been mostly happy for the first time since probably september. Things are just better now and I have overcome so much. At some point I didn't think I would, so it is a good thing. My hair is now partially purple as well. I like it a lot. I don't really know what else to say because I feel like I would always ramble about some guy when I would write in here just because I needed to get it out somewhere. I guess people write to get out their emotions and I mostly wrote to relieve stress and sometimes annoyance, although I do sometimes like to write when things are going really well for me too. Just strong emotion is a better way to describe it.

Looking forward to being home for a little while. Until next time. Ciao!

I could never run away from you.

I don't know. I really just don't know.

Why is it so fucking hard for me to let go? I want to, really, I do. But at the same time I really don't. I know there is still something there, I feel it. I still want it to work out somehow..
I miss him so much. I still can't stop thinking about him.

Guys try and hit on me and all that but I pay no mind to them. People wonder why I was ever with H, but they just don't understand. They think I could do better, but they don't know him like I do. He is so amazing.

I just really hope things work out eventually.
Only time will tell. It has been over a month since the split. I should be over him, but these little slip ups have messed with my mind. AND all the drunken flirting has as well..

Until then I will be listening to this every night before bed. My current obsession.

cause there's something between us anyway

its kind of late but i had the sudden urge to write. so i am no longer with h. it's weird. i don't really know what happened which makes it that much harder to understand. also kind of hard to believe because things seemed so good to me and its hard to think that it so easy for him to just break it off like that. but i have no idea what his deal is anyways so i don't even know what to think. i need more explanation and insight as to his position on it all. we will see. i've talked to a lot of people about it and it's kind of hard to hear but i know that they are only trying to help me but it's hard when your heart thinks differently. i know in my heart that i don't want anyone else. and that just makes me seem pathetic because i feel like i am alone in that.

where is my mind?

Didnt write all of july, im getting kinda bad at this haha. recap.
JULY fourth of july was a ton of fun! went to dockwieler and was there allll dayyy. got super dark haha and did beachy things. nest day was kates fam picnic. played some volleyball and chilled. i was super sore from the beach though. we played soccer in the sand, suchhh a workout! so then h,w, and a came down to venice and we chilled over there. good times. i finally found a job at this point. at this new store at the mall called j'adore pink. its a cute store and its pretty chill. was home alone for about a week. mom and sis were in chicago and dad was in colombia, while i was here just at home! it was chill though. saw h, no control. some family things happened, cousin got hurt surfing and my gpa passed away. saw batman with h. just friends. went up north to see fam and go to the funeral. love my family so much, theyre the best. when i got back went on a little road trip to san diego for my roomies bday, as well as grants! soo much fun! slip up again with h. no control! haha


AUGUST so things have been back and forth. we try and be just friends and it never works out. we tried once more after the party. no go. once more after the next slip up..no go. saw pineapple express and chilled at his house after. met his mom finally. ate dinner with them. so after that night we pretty much decided to give up. i went over there again on friday and chilled at aris' parents office. there was soo much paper everywhere it was chill. paper fights and just good times. im so glad that ive been seeing sc people so much this summer. kate has been mia a lot. or maybe its just that we both have boys so we wanna spend time with them but she is consumed by him. i hate to say it but he is like her life. i feel like i never spend time with her like we used to. he is always somehow involved. i know i sound like a jealous friend and i kinda am. haha not that i dont like her bf. i really like him but she doesnt have to be with him alllll the time. theres gotta be best friend time too! now i see why friendships suffer when there is a boyfriend involved..hopefully things work out though.


so lately i've been trying to convice m parents to let me get a macbook pro but i might have to settle for a macbook. i feel like i have a chance this time, i just have to give a valid argument. i mean, they got my sister one! wtf, completely not fair. i will not fail. i will get one somehow. even if i gotta save up my own money and buy it myself. in the process of reading breaking dawn, i just dont want it to be over so i am taking my time, haha. its getting good though! ooh and i've been slowly but surely improving on the guitar. i;m so proud of myself that i'm actually sticking with this. it's a lot of fun and i love playing it and learning new songs! i just need to stick with it. my fingers are calloused and gross but hey i really could care less haha. i just booked my trip to visit my sister in chicago in september. im gonna be there for 6 days. pretty stoked to see what its like there. hmm and i got my housing stuff today, i move in on the 20th of september. pretty stoked to be going back and resume the good times all day, everyday!


until next time, ciao!

i'm dreamin' in the morning, dreamin' all through the night.

So june is coming to an end. h came down to visit cause he was gonna be in the area. we had lunch and went to venice beach and just hung out at my house. lakers lost that night haha. then two days later he came to pick me up! he took me to his part of town and we went to eat and watched pirates of the caribbean and beowulf. i was seeing him way more than i thought i would be. sister graduated and we had our grad/bday party. also went to kates later that night for her bros grad party. a was there but i hardly talked to him. i had my birthday as well . i saw most of the people i wanted to see on it. Had my pool day with kate, hung out with a for a bit before driving to the east side to see h. we watched star wars haha and i had some pasta that he had made. i wanted to stay and finish watching it but i couldn't. spending time with him is always so great. went back the next night for a little get together at h's and met some of his friends and his ex. saw aris! anyways that morning we had decided to end things for now and stop being together cause it would just get harder to end it later in the summer, even though its hard already. that was our last night together. it was a good end, but i don't think it is the end. i care about him a lot. i also told aaron about everything, he knows about h and stuff. he got kinda upset and i could tell he didn't like it. so we will see how that goes. still looking for a job haha. no luck yetttt. i miss everyone from sc a lot also. next year our appartment is gonna be sweeeet, cant waitt!

ciao!

oh! you pretty things.

I didnt write all of MAY! that makes me sad because i want to remember everything but here goes. May was probably one of the best months. we had our tres de mayo celebration and played a bit of soccer. i got locked out of h's room and slept in another room for the night.  gooood times hahaha. just pretty much quality times with my friends and made some great memories. i have a  SHIT TON of pictures so it's all goood mannn.

As for june, it was pretty great too so far. Ended the year well and had a fat hike around campus with 3 other friends. climbed to the top of tree nine and went on the rope swing. it was a pretty epic day. Throughout the past few months i've kind of been with h and it's been really good but it is summer now and i won't be seeing him or most of my sc friends often :[ i really miss them a lot. i'm glad that i will be living with them next year, it is going to be crazy and epic. cant wait!! i've been listening to pink floyd's dark side of the moon and a lot of david bowie. it's my comfort music right now because it reminds me of good times in sc...until next time. i am in the process of looking for a job and not looking forward to jury duty next week, AHH.

ciao!

with arms outstretched

cameras have taken over my life. taking pictures is my passion and i love it. I've made a very important decision in my life recently. i decided against going back to LA next year and instead i am going to stay one more year here in santa cruz. i will be living with my roomate and 4 other good friends. its going to be sooo sick, i'm really excited! theyre honestly the only reason that i decided to stay and its still going to be pretty tough for me, even with a bunch of good friends. i'm seriously going to miss my girl back home! it's been soo long since i've seen her, i feel soo incomplete without her and not being with her all of next year is going to be very difficult. i know that nothing will change between us though and summer is soo soon, soo excitedd! but other than that i've been having a good time here. hanging out with my friends is super shill and good timess. went and saw rilo kiley on wednesday night. wow they were soo good, it was amazing! kind of sad that i didnt get to go to coachella this year, it would have been super sweet but i'm soo broke! ughh it suckss! the whole boy situation is a little weird. i don't know where i am at this point but what i do know is that i'm soo helplessly confused about what to do and how to handle it. things with him are strange because i know how much he cares but he doesnt openly show it and its obviously not going to turn into anything anytime soon so i might as well be doing other things in the meantime, right? i really don't know. i'm trying not to think about all that right now and just live in the moment. its about time to stop worrying about him and letting that control what i do and don't do. thats right, i am my own person and if he doesn't like how i am or what i do he doesn't have to talk to me.

ciao.

flashing lights

spring break came and went. jury duty BS. pissed man. went to san diego and hung out with my roomie and some other sc homies. didn't get to visit the birthday boy though, whatever. new crush? maybe. i don't know what to do about it because of him. fuckk. i need to be able to have fun here and have no strings, right? right. okay well classes start again and i have one at 5, which isn't bad at all. let's hope this quarter is chill and not too stressful or anything, like last quarter! missing my gurl back home, hopefully i get to LA soon and we can road trip to sd!

I'm starting to love the people i hang out with and I'm actually sad that i wont be chillen with them all next year but i gotta do what's best for me...but I'm definitely gonna stay friends with all of them! i cant imagine not knowing them, they are some of the funniest people i know. its kind of starting to get nice and it just makes me think of summer and being tan, i want it to be summer already!! alright, ciao!

time to pretend.

things have been getting better lately. im meeting alot of people actually and having a good time which is surprising. im hanging out with really fun and interesting people and im almost to the point where im super comfortable and i can totally be myself and not feel awkward or anything. good thing. i still couldnt stay here for 3 more years though...its cool and pretty and all but its not like LA at all and i just need to feel that comfort. i feel like theres so much more in LA that there isnt here i dunno. smc here i come. ive been painting more and more often, i think its how i calm myself down and just kind of unwind. i like it.

ciao.

birds.

so i picked 2 of my classes for next quarter...female phisiology?! wtf. soo pissed cause everything i wanted to take was full and i had a super late sign up time. ughh. whatever though, its my last quarter here and then i'm out. i didn't get to go home this weekend, but hopefully i'll get to next weekend if everything works out! its gonna be like a month already since i've gone back home. i've been painting alot lately and making stencils. i started with one of myself and i just finished one of me and my best friend. they look super tight, i love doing this kind of stuff. i wish i had a huge printer cause i could totally do like a huge painting! i really love doing art and maybe doing this will make me better at painting or something? haha til next time!
ciao.

looking up

so it seems like every time i let out my feelings in writing, things seem to get better. i always trip about the stupidest things and i need to learn to not worry so much about our relationship. i think that i really have nothing to worry about and that whatever will happen will happen. the secret is starting to work in my favor...

time and time again

i truly believe that actions speak louder than words. so when someone tells me someting i naturally expect them to show me its truth by acting on it. his actions recently haven't shown that at all, but then he tells me that he cares about me alot.
it might be that he is trying to keep things distant at the moment so its better when i DO see him but it also might be that he just wants to wait things out until the summer when we'll be able to see each other all the time...
i hope that is the case, but it could be that he's trying to get me to get over him by being an asshole to me. i really doubt it though.
to me, he's soo cute and i honestly really like him but he acts so cocky sometimes. a little too cocky because i know that he can't possibly have thaaat much game...
maybe that's me being cocky though...cause i feel like i could do better and get someone who would treat me better and not be an asshole to me.
dont get me wrong, he's not always an asshole. but lately he doesn't act cute or anything which i wish he would...cause i feel like if i tried being cute with him that he would just ignore it and push it away. i don't want to come off to strongly because i'm so confused as to what his deal is...
when he was first "talking" to me he would alllwaysss say cute things and i kind of wish it was still like that. honestly that is why i gave him a chance in the first place. just because he was so persistent with me. he DID have a girlfriend though and that was probably the thrill in talking to me because he was doing something he knew he shouldn't be doing. i don't know though, i just feel like giving up all contact with him and seeing if he puts in some effort to talk to me. lately i'm the one who initiates the conversations wether it be text, IM, or calling. he used to be so cute with calling me. we would be talking online and he would ask me if he could call me and i would be hesitant about it but he would do it and we talked for a while a few times. he was waiting to buy an iphone when they came out and he called me when he was in line and someone asked him who he was talking to and he said his wife. i thought that was soo cute and i just miss those days but i guess that was the summertime when things were way better. we've been through alot and it definetly has brought us really close as friends. but then we also have a very close intimate realtionship. he doesn't believe in long-distance realtionships but i have the feeling that if i wasn't in santa cruz that i would be with him right now...officially. i feel like i pretty much am and have been for a while though. its almost been a whole year since i started talking to him and things are wayy different already. it took me about 6 months to give it up to him and that experience has taken our relationship to another level. i just hope that it moves forward from where we are and that it gets better. i'm keeping the secret in mind. he is supposed to some visit with kate sometime soon i think. i wonder if he'll stay in my room. i'm glad that kate talks with him about alot of shit too though, she has really helped me get alot of inside info about him. he can be a little sketchy about things and not tell me the whole truth sometimes.
i know guys aren't as emotional about things as girls and that is also part of the problem. he probably has no idea what is going on in my head at all. i think about him all the time and i feel like he doesn't. i know that he used to...he even told me once that he couldn't stop thinking about me. i just want him to better show me that he cares and i don't want to try so hard to get him to open up...i hope he's not losing interest because i feel like this is something that could definetly last a long time.

what else will today bring?

today only means something if you HAVE a valentine.
otherwise it just makes you feel shitty and alone.

other reasons for shittyness today:
my bff is leaving for LA and not coming back
astronomy midterm that I did shitty on
LALS class later tonight
paper to write before I leave for the weekend

only good thing was that linguistics was cancelled today!!

you're full of bullshit, show me you care. TODAY WOULD BE PERFECTbtw...

ciao.

I can't take it.

So I'm back in shitty cruz. Not too excited.
Had an intense conversation about SC and life and our future.
I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life.
I just wish that I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and that everything would just turn out ok and work out. I just want to already know that everything will be ok and that I'll be successfull.

I just broke down. My best friend is leaving.

You've Got Me Screaming At The Top Of My Lungss

I'm gonna be on one of these in 4 days!! Going back to L.A. and i couldn't be more excited!! The weather is supposed to be nice and i can't wait. In other news, last thursday was a very bad night for me. I don't know if it's a good thing that I don't remember it...but honestly never again. I was miserable ALL DAY friday, i couldn't eat or really move for most of the day. I've just been taking it easy these past few days and not really doing much at all. I just need to make it through this week and then I'm home. That's all I can think about right now.

I've been thinking alot about my future lately. I don't know exactly what I want to do but i just know that being here in SC is not in my future. This type of school and education isn't for me. I'm more into the creative side of things and in a sense more fun things. I'm looking into maybe going to FIDM next year. That would be alot of fun and I think that kind of stuff is very interesting. I'm just looking forward to living in L.A. next year and still being with my best friend. Soo glad that we're going through this together, even though I know that this is wayy harder for her. I know it's gonna be alright in the end though. Being in LA will probably be a good thing for both of us. I'll be closer to my boy and she will be to hers as well. Andd we'll probably end up getting an appartment together!! Sounds like good times to me!

But anyways, I have to make it through these next 2 quarters before that and i feel like these classes are gonna kick my ass! Not looking too good to me..I guess we'll just see how things go. Also, I'm starting to really like my bangs now haha, unitl next time! Ciao!

Firsts & Family.

Home for the weekend. Happy to be in LA, even though its raining. Flew in friday morning and hung out with Aaron friday night. I hope it was good. Saturday I got to see my cousin from Puerto Rico and her husband. I haven't seen her in about 6 years. It was fun and I think we're gonna go to visit her in Florida during the summer, should be fun! My blackberry is activated and im loving it soo much! I don't know when the next time I'm gonna be home is, but I hope it's soon. Have to wake up early to take my sister to some screening of a show or something and then I'll probably go shopping with Katie all over LA. Then i leave to go back to SC...ugh.

You were the last high

New look for me. Bangs. I'm still in the process of getting used to them though. Right now I'm just focusing on having a good time and balancing that with school. I think it's going pretty good. My classes aren't too hard but they're not easy this quarter. I go home next weekend and I get to activate my blackberry finally! I'm soo excitedd! I'm also just going to be glad to be back in L.A. because it is truly my home. This place is definetly not. I'm having alot of fun with my new cameras, very exciting. I went and saw Cloverfield last night. It pretty much dissapointed me, even though I didnt know what I expected from it haha. This weekend has been fun, and hilarious. I love these kinds of weekends. Until next timeee, peace.

There's So Much Sun Where I'm From, I Had To Give It Away...

I'm a definite believer that everything happens for a reason and that there are no coincidences in life. These past few nights have definetly proven that to me as well. Things have recently turned around for me but in a good way? At least i hope so. I kept my word and didn't initiate anything, he did it on his own. He actually apologized for being an asshole over break. THANK YOU! He's also been talking to me alot more recently, which is surprising but good and I like it. I guess this kind of means that I'm giving him another chance in a way. I think that he finally realized what a douche he was being and maybe change his ways. The only thing is that i have no idea when I'm going to see him again..which pretty much sucks but it's his fault.

On a happier note, I'm going home in 12 days! How exciting! I honestly love LA too much. There's nothing to do here in SC. Pretty much all i do is hang out with Kate and eat. NOTHING TO DO. Oh, and I finally got a fisheye camera! Sooo excited to start using it! And recently I've been taking alot of pictures with my digital rebel and I think i got Kate hooked on it haha. I love it though. I only have class 2 days a week this quarter. It's amazing cause I pretty much don't do anything all week, which might be a bad thing but now I can start working out more! Right? Right. I also am a soon to be owner of a Blackberry World Edition. Ahhhh! Yessss!

Baby, it's not your sleigh ride.

Staying locked up from now on. Why is it that when you let someone in, they always let you down? I guess I wear my heart on my sleeve, but shit like this makes me stronger. Maybe the distance has finally caught up, but it's weird because just a few days ago things were good...

I'm probably just trippen, but I just don't like having to worry so much. I'm not going to initiate anything anymore, maybe then he'll realize what he's missing out on. I'll make you want me, you'll see. You're gonna work buddy. I'm fucken done.

Always Want What You Don't Understand

So it's 2008. So last night was fun.
I usually stay home with family so it's the first time I've been out for new years haha.
I know, I'm lame. No new years kiss this year but I spent it with the people I care about.
I didn't see the boy, but who cares? I can honestly say that I don't care anymore.
I'm not going to continue to try and try for nothing.
Apparently he makes all the calls because it's like he's pushing me away.
I say that I want to be done with him but I know that if I was in the position to be with him that I would give in. I don't understand why. Why can't I be stronger?
I want to be, and I hate knowing I'll give in just because this has happened before.
He keeps changing his mind too much. He apparently likes me BUT: i never see him, he doesn't talk to me anymore really (unless I initiate a convo), and he's always busy with himself.
I don't know where this is going, it was going in a good direction before and we were probably going to end up together for the summer. That still might happen but it's not necessarily going good right now in my eyes. He might just be oblivious to these things and nothing phases him but I'm through giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I can do better and if he doesn't appreciate me and the effort I'm putting in to try and keep things good, then i'll find someone who does. There are plenty of god guys out there who would, I just have to find them.


UGH, glad that's out haha.


2008 is going to be my year. It will be great.

p.s. This book is probably the most hilarious thing I've read this past year. Soo funny for anyone who is farmiliar with the "emo" scene. hahahah.