Vale.

Barcelonaa, I love you!

My time here has definitely been unforgettable so far. I've met some great people and I'm having a really good time. Writing what I have done is such a process and I find myself not really having the desire to do so I'm not sure why. But I do want to say that I am having a good time. See ya.

Thinking About You

I've been neglectig writing in this for a while, I shouldn't! But well a lot has happened in the past few months. I do say I am a bit confused about a few things. I know how I want things to be, or at least in a perfect world what my life would look like. Of course it's never that way in real life. I leave for Spain in pretty much one day. Tomorrow is my last day in California for a whiiileee. I can't believe it. It's actually happening, holy shit! I'm all packed and ready to go. I'm ready. Also super stoked to see Christina again after so long and I'm really glad that H will be coming out to visit as well. It's gonna be such an awesome adventure.

Hi Friend!

So school has started and it's in full effect. It's been a good time so far and the work is a lot kind of but enjoyable. Have had some good nights and some not so good nights, but this quarter is looking to be quite the adventure. I'm a little confused but honestly choose not to even think about it and just let things happen. I'm leaving soon anyways so no need to stress about things. My living situation is great but lonely sometimes. It's all good though. Lovefest was yesterday, or should say lovevolution. It was so much fun, we got there early and didn't even have to pay the 1o dollars! Pretty sweet. Saw deadmau5 and was right in front, wayy sweet! And on the drive home we stopped at in n out, mmm. Got back and watched detroit rock city with dave and went to bed. Today's been a homework day and I actually signed up to be in a soccer league with people from the ILC. Sounds like a lot of fun, I'm really excited actually. Well I should try and finish my spanish homework now, adieu!

Rouge

I'm in Chicago at the moment helping my sister move into her new apartment here and just hanging out for a few days. My mom leaves saturday morning and I don't leave until Wednesday. Tomorrow I'm going to see Bloody Beetroots and Crookers! I'm very stoked to finally be seeing them both, but it's too bad I won't be going to hard summer. Anyways, my time here has been fun and I guess the fin part is barely coming because we are finished moving my sister in now. I already miss home though. I miss my Santa Cruz friends and my friends in LA. I got a call from a friend in SC tonight calling because he was in LA but unfortunately I'm all the half way across the country! Oh well. I really miss h too, I don't think I've gone this long without seeing him ever since I met him over a year ago. It is a long time to not see or really talk to my best friend! I will see him and other SC friends once I get back for a little get together for my kitty cat. I will miss her so much oh geez I don't know what I'm gonna do! I've also started to learn French with Rosetta Stone. It really works quite well! I'm very happy with everything that I've learned so far and I'm barely finishing like the first part of 4 in level 1. It's a lot of fun haha. Well the time difference here is so annoying and it just messes with my sleep way more that it is already is messed up. I feel like I should just go to bed now but it's so early really. Oh well, I'm gonna goooo. Au Revoir! haha

Tomorrow Never Knows

So I did a lot of cleaning today and yesterday. Threw away so much shit, I have no idea why I was keeping it all haha. Anyways, this process put me through major flashbacks and the like. It was weird. Things from my childhood all the way to my freshman year of college. It was almost overwhelming, some things made me smile and some made me sad. It was good to clean up though. I feel like my room is a lot less cluttered now even though it might now look that way haha. I found this notebook during this cleaning binge and I have decided to write in it until I fill it up with whatever I am feeling and thinking. I really want to accomplish this goal. I don't care how long it takes. Lately I have been listening to the beatles non stop. I have rekindled my love for them. It's so nice when things like this happen, I fucking love the beatles. Just watched Magical Mystery Tour and Yellow Submarine tonight. So good. Well I should be going to bed now, it's very late. Until next time. Ciao!

ad astra

So it turns out that some things are unavoidable. Two things in particular, or people haha. For some reason I can't make up my mind and leave one behind. It should be obvious but I just don't know what is to come. I will be going to spain, barcelona to be exact, from january to july of next year. I cannot wait! Things have changed so much since last summer it's so crazy. I'm about to go lay out by the pool and soak up some sun. My birthday was on monday. It was alright. I really want to see my friends. I love LA but the friends I have here are so limited, it's unfortunate. Well I really would love to write more but the sun isn't out all day. Until next time. Ciao.

you're gonna see me in your dreams tonight.

I'm just plain pissed off. Maybe that's the wrong word for it. More like feeling relieved that it's done. Things were just dumb and I should have not even gone back to this. I knew that he was an asshole and I told myself I would never start it again but I stupidly did. This time it's really the end. I don't really know what to do about it though. I don't know if he expect me to still talk to him all the time because I'm not down with that. I really don't need someone like him in my life if all he is gonna be is giving me shit and judging me. He is not a good guy when it comes to me. He is a two-faced asshole with the worst intentions. I know that I deserve better and it's not okay that he can get to me so much. He ruined my day and I hate that. From now on I'm not gonna give a shit about him and we will see what he does. He's gonna miss me and I know it. I was like one of his best friends and he will regret that he went about this the way he did. I will laugh so hard if he comes running back to me and wants me back and if he even TRIES to apologize for anything I will not even listen to that shit. Seriously I'm not down at all. He's so wrong for me that I don't even know why I liked him in the first place. Actually I take that back, I know why I liked him. It was merely because I had such low self-esteem that when someone, anyone, relatively nice showed interest in me I would give it a try. I know now that I shouldn't see it that way because I should be with someone who deserves me. I know my worth and I have yet to be with someone who treats me right. Maybe with one exception but let's not get into that. Shit sucks and he has fucked me over way too much and I guess I have finally learned my lesson. It just sucks that it took me so long. I just never listened to anyone when they gave me advice, but now I am that much smarter. So for that I thank you. Thanks for being an asshole.

hit em up

Back home from winter break.

Classes start today.

My break was satisfying. I did a lot more than I usually do haha.

Went to a few clubs and went down to san diego. A friend visited and stayed with me for a few days. Spent New Years with my girl. Overall I had a pretty good time but I am definitely glad to be back.

Don't really have much to say besides the fact that this year will be great. I can feel it.

2K9 is here bitchessss.

How Do You Sleep?

Been thinking about you..

Tripped the other day and when I thought I was going insane your name was the thing that brought me back and calmed me down. I did a lot of thinking.

I thought I was okay now but now I realize that I'm just in denial and I'm just ignoring how I feel. That is probably for the best.

You confuse me as well though. I think you've moved on because it seems pretty obvious but clearly you made a move on me that I resisted surprisingly. I don't know what to think. I used to regret ever telling you the story that was the reason for our breakup. I still kinda do but I don't like to think about that. I used to be so happy.

Not that I'm depressed or anything because you're like my best friend, but it used to be so much better. I still miss you, it's not the same.

Lose Your Head Just For Your Heart

It is almost the end of the quarter. Finals are next week and I am not stressing too much. Things have been good lately and I have actually been mostly happy for the first time since probably september. Things are just better now and I have overcome so much. At some point I didn't think I would, so it is a good thing. My hair is now partially purple as well. I like it a lot. I don't really know what else to say because I feel like I would always ramble about some guy when I would write in here just because I needed to get it out somewhere. I guess people write to get out their emotions and I mostly wrote to relieve stress and sometimes annoyance, although I do sometimes like to write when things are going really well for me too. Just strong emotion is a better way to describe it.

Looking forward to being home for a little while. Until next time. Ciao!

I could never run away from you.

I don't know. I really just don't know.

Why is it so fucking hard for me to let go? I want to, really, I do. But at the same time I really don't. I know there is still something there, I feel it. I still want it to work out somehow..
I miss him so much. I still can't stop thinking about him.

Guys try and hit on me and all that but I pay no mind to them. People wonder why I was ever with H, but they just don't understand. They think I could do better, but they don't know him like I do. He is so amazing.

I just really hope things work out eventually.
Only time will tell. It has been over a month since the split. I should be over him, but these little slip ups have messed with my mind. AND all the drunken flirting has as well..

Until then I will be listening to this every night before bed. My current obsession.

cause there's something between us anyway

its kind of late but i had the sudden urge to write. so i am no longer with h. it's weird. i don't really know what happened which makes it that much harder to understand. also kind of hard to believe because things seemed so good to me and its hard to think that it so easy for him to just break it off like that. but i have no idea what his deal is anyways so i don't even know what to think. i need more explanation and insight as to his position on it all. we will see. i've talked to a lot of people about it and it's kind of hard to hear but i know that they are only trying to help me but it's hard when your heart thinks differently. i know in my heart that i don't want anyone else. and that just makes me seem pathetic because i feel like i am alone in that.

where is my mind?

Didnt write all of july, im getting kinda bad at this haha. recap.
JULY fourth of july was a ton of fun! went to dockwieler and was there allll dayyy. got super dark haha and did beachy things. nest day was kates fam picnic. played some volleyball and chilled. i was super sore from the beach though. we played soccer in the sand, suchhh a workout! so then h,w, and a came down to venice and we chilled over there. good times. i finally found a job at this point. at this new store at the mall called j'adore pink. its a cute store and its pretty chill. was home alone for about a week. mom and sis were in chicago and dad was in colombia, while i was here just at home! it was chill though. saw h, no control. some family things happened, cousin got hurt surfing and my gpa passed away. saw batman with h. just friends. went up north to see fam and go to the funeral. love my family so much, theyre the best. when i got back went on a little road trip to san diego for my roomies bday, as well as grants! soo much fun! slip up again with h. no control! haha


AUGUST so things have been back and forth. we try and be just friends and it never works out. we tried once more after the party. no go. once more after the next slip up..no go. saw pineapple express and chilled at his house after. met his mom finally. ate dinner with them. so after that night we pretty much decided to give up. i went over there again on friday and chilled at aris' parents office. there was soo much paper everywhere it was chill. paper fights and just good times. im so glad that ive been seeing sc people so much this summer. kate has been mia a lot. or maybe its just that we both have boys so we wanna spend time with them but she is consumed by him. i hate to say it but he is like her life. i feel like i never spend time with her like we used to. he is always somehow involved. i know i sound like a jealous friend and i kinda am. haha not that i dont like her bf. i really like him but she doesnt have to be with him alllll the time. theres gotta be best friend time too! now i see why friendships suffer when there is a boyfriend involved..hopefully things work out though.


so lately i've been trying to convice m parents to let me get a macbook pro but i might have to settle for a macbook. i feel like i have a chance this time, i just have to give a valid argument. i mean, they got my sister one! wtf, completely not fair. i will not fail. i will get one somehow. even if i gotta save up my own money and buy it myself. in the process of reading breaking dawn, i just dont want it to be over so i am taking my time, haha. its getting good though! ooh and i've been slowly but surely improving on the guitar. i;m so proud of myself that i'm actually sticking with this. it's a lot of fun and i love playing it and learning new songs! i just need to stick with it. my fingers are calloused and gross but hey i really could care less haha. i just booked my trip to visit my sister in chicago in september. im gonna be there for 6 days. pretty stoked to see what its like there. hmm and i got my housing stuff today, i move in on the 20th of september. pretty stoked to be going back and resume the good times all day, everyday!


until next time, ciao!

i'm dreamin' in the morning, dreamin' all through the night.

So june is coming to an end. h came down to visit cause he was gonna be in the area. we had lunch and went to venice beach and just hung out at my house. lakers lost that night haha. then two days later he came to pick me up! he took me to his part of town and we went to eat and watched pirates of the caribbean and beowulf. i was seeing him way more than i thought i would be. sister graduated and we had our grad/bday party. also went to kates later that night for her bros grad party. a was there but i hardly talked to him. i had my birthday as well . i saw most of the people i wanted to see on it. Had my pool day with kate, hung out with a for a bit before driving to the east side to see h. we watched star wars haha and i had some pasta that he had made. i wanted to stay and finish watching it but i couldn't. spending time with him is always so great. went back the next night for a little get together at h's and met some of his friends and his ex. saw aris! anyways that morning we had decided to end things for now and stop being together cause it would just get harder to end it later in the summer, even though its hard already. that was our last night together. it was a good end, but i don't think it is the end. i care about him a lot. i also told aaron about everything, he knows about h and stuff. he got kinda upset and i could tell he didn't like it. so we will see how that goes. still looking for a job haha. no luck yetttt. i miss everyone from sc a lot also. next year our appartment is gonna be sweeeet, cant waitt!

ciao!

oh! you pretty things.

I didnt write all of MAY! that makes me sad because i want to remember everything but here goes. May was probably one of the best months. we had our tres de mayo celebration and played a bit of soccer. i got locked out of h's room and slept in another room for the night.  gooood times hahaha. just pretty much quality times with my friends and made some great memories. i have a  SHIT TON of pictures so it's all goood mannn.

As for june, it was pretty great too so far. Ended the year well and had a fat hike around campus with 3 other friends. climbed to the top of tree nine and went on the rope swing. it was a pretty epic day. Throughout the past few months i've kind of been with h and it's been really good but it is summer now and i won't be seeing him or most of my sc friends often :[ i really miss them a lot. i'm glad that i will be living with them next year, it is going to be crazy and epic. cant wait!! i've been listening to pink floyd's dark side of the moon and a lot of david bowie. it's my comfort music right now because it reminds me of good times in sc...until next time. i am in the process of looking for a job and not looking forward to jury duty next week, AHH.

ciao!

with arms outstretched

cameras have taken over my life. taking pictures is my passion and i love it. I've made a very important decision in my life recently. i decided against going back to LA next year and instead i am going to stay one more year here in santa cruz. i will be living with my roomate and 4 other good friends. its going to be sooo sick, i'm really excited! theyre honestly the only reason that i decided to stay and its still going to be pretty tough for me, even with a bunch of good friends. i'm seriously going to miss my girl back home! it's been soo long since i've seen her, i feel soo incomplete without her and not being with her all of next year is going to be very difficult. i know that nothing will change between us though and summer is soo soon, soo excitedd! but other than that i've been having a good time here. hanging out with my friends is super shill and good timess. went and saw rilo kiley on wednesday night. wow they were soo good, it was amazing! kind of sad that i didnt get to go to coachella this year, it would have been super sweet but i'm soo broke! ughh it suckss! the whole boy situation is a little weird. i don't know where i am at this point but what i do know is that i'm soo helplessly confused about what to do and how to handle it. things with him are strange because i know how much he cares but he doesnt openly show it and its obviously not going to turn into anything anytime soon so i might as well be doing other things in the meantime, right? i really don't know. i'm trying not to think about all that right now and just live in the moment. its about time to stop worrying about him and letting that control what i do and don't do. thats right, i am my own person and if he doesn't like how i am or what i do he doesn't have to talk to me.

ciao.

flashing lights

spring break came and went. jury duty BS. pissed man. went to san diego and hung out with my roomie and some other sc homies. didn't get to visit the birthday boy though, whatever. new crush? maybe. i don't know what to do about it because of him. fuckk. i need to be able to have fun here and have no strings, right? right. okay well classes start again and i have one at 5, which isn't bad at all. let's hope this quarter is chill and not too stressful or anything, like last quarter! missing my gurl back home, hopefully i get to LA soon and we can road trip to sd!

I'm starting to love the people i hang out with and I'm actually sad that i wont be chillen with them all next year but i gotta do what's best for me...but I'm definitely gonna stay friends with all of them! i cant imagine not knowing them, they are some of the funniest people i know. its kind of starting to get nice and it just makes me think of summer and being tan, i want it to be summer already!! alright, ciao!

time to pretend.

things have been getting better lately. im meeting alot of people actually and having a good time which is surprising. im hanging out with really fun and interesting people and im almost to the point where im super comfortable and i can totally be myself and not feel awkward or anything. good thing. i still couldnt stay here for 3 more years though...its cool and pretty and all but its not like LA at all and i just need to feel that comfort. i feel like theres so much more in LA that there isnt here i dunno. smc here i come. ive been painting more and more often, i think its how i calm myself down and just kind of unwind. i like it.

ciao.

birds.

so i picked 2 of my classes for next quarter...female phisiology?! wtf. soo pissed cause everything i wanted to take was full and i had a super late sign up time. ughh. whatever though, its my last quarter here and then i'm out. i didn't get to go home this weekend, but hopefully i'll get to next weekend if everything works out! its gonna be like a month already since i've gone back home. i've been painting alot lately and making stencils. i started with one of myself and i just finished one of me and my best friend. they look super tight, i love doing this kind of stuff. i wish i had a huge printer cause i could totally do like a huge painting! i really love doing art and maybe doing this will make me better at painting or something? haha til next time!
ciao.

looking up

so it seems like every time i let out my feelings in writing, things seem to get better. i always trip about the stupidest things and i need to learn to not worry so much about our relationship. i think that i really have nothing to worry about and that whatever will happen will happen. the secret is starting to work in my favor...