birds.

so i picked 2 of my classes for next quarter...female phisiology?! wtf. soo pissed cause everything i wanted to take was full and i had a super late sign up time. ughh. whatever though, its my last quarter here and then i'm out. i didn't get to go home this weekend, but hopefully i'll get to next weekend if everything works out! its gonna be like a month already since i've gone back home. i've been painting alot lately and making stencils. i started with one of myself and i just finished one of me and my best friend. they look super tight, i love doing this kind of stuff. i wish i had a huge printer cause i could totally do like a huge painting! i really love doing art and maybe doing this will make me better at painting or something? haha til next time!
ciao.

looking up

so it seems like every time i let out my feelings in writing, things seem to get better. i always trip about the stupidest things and i need to learn to not worry so much about our relationship. i think that i really have nothing to worry about and that whatever will happen will happen. the secret is starting to work in my favor...

time and time again

i truly believe that actions speak louder than words. so when someone tells me someting i naturally expect them to show me its truth by acting on it. his actions recently haven't shown that at all, but then he tells me that he cares about me alot.
it might be that he is trying to keep things distant at the moment so its better when i DO see him but it also might be that he just wants to wait things out until the summer when we'll be able to see each other all the time...
i hope that is the case, but it could be that he's trying to get me to get over him by being an asshole to me. i really doubt it though.
to me, he's soo cute and i honestly really like him but he acts so cocky sometimes. a little too cocky because i know that he can't possibly have thaaat much game...
maybe that's me being cocky though...cause i feel like i could do better and get someone who would treat me better and not be an asshole to me.
dont get me wrong, he's not always an asshole. but lately he doesn't act cute or anything which i wish he would...cause i feel like if i tried being cute with him that he would just ignore it and push it away. i don't want to come off to strongly because i'm so confused as to what his deal is...
when he was first "talking" to me he would alllwaysss say cute things and i kind of wish it was still like that. honestly that is why i gave him a chance in the first place. just because he was so persistent with me. he DID have a girlfriend though and that was probably the thrill in talking to me because he was doing something he knew he shouldn't be doing. i don't know though, i just feel like giving up all contact with him and seeing if he puts in some effort to talk to me. lately i'm the one who initiates the conversations wether it be text, IM, or calling. he used to be so cute with calling me. we would be talking online and he would ask me if he could call me and i would be hesitant about it but he would do it and we talked for a while a few times. he was waiting to buy an iphone when they came out and he called me when he was in line and someone asked him who he was talking to and he said his wife. i thought that was soo cute and i just miss those days but i guess that was the summertime when things were way better. we've been through alot and it definetly has brought us really close as friends. but then we also have a very close intimate realtionship. he doesn't believe in long-distance realtionships but i have the feeling that if i wasn't in santa cruz that i would be with him right now...officially. i feel like i pretty much am and have been for a while though. its almost been a whole year since i started talking to him and things are wayy different already. it took me about 6 months to give it up to him and that experience has taken our relationship to another level. i just hope that it moves forward from where we are and that it gets better. i'm keeping the secret in mind. he is supposed to some visit with kate sometime soon i think. i wonder if he'll stay in my room. i'm glad that kate talks with him about alot of shit too though, she has really helped me get alot of inside info about him. he can be a little sketchy about things and not tell me the whole truth sometimes.
i know guys aren't as emotional about things as girls and that is also part of the problem. he probably has no idea what is going on in my head at all. i think about him all the time and i feel like he doesn't. i know that he used to...he even told me once that he couldn't stop thinking about me. i just want him to better show me that he cares and i don't want to try so hard to get him to open up...i hope he's not losing interest because i feel like this is something that could definetly last a long time.

what else will today bring?

today only means something if you HAVE a valentine.
otherwise it just makes you feel shitty and alone.

other reasons for shittyness today:
my bff is leaving for LA and not coming back
astronomy midterm that I did shitty on
LALS class later tonight
paper to write before I leave for the weekend

only good thing was that linguistics was cancelled today!!

you're full of bullshit, show me you care. TODAY WOULD BE PERFECTbtw...

ciao.

I can't take it.

So I'm back in shitty cruz. Not too excited.
Had an intense conversation about SC and life and our future.
I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life.
I just wish that I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and that everything would just turn out ok and work out. I just want to already know that everything will be ok and that I'll be successfull.

I just broke down. My best friend is leaving.

You've Got Me Screaming At The Top Of My Lungss

I'm gonna be on one of these in 4 days!! Going back to L.A. and i couldn't be more excited!! The weather is supposed to be nice and i can't wait. In other news, last thursday was a very bad night for me. I don't know if it's a good thing that I don't remember it...but honestly never again. I was miserable ALL DAY friday, i couldn't eat or really move for most of the day. I've just been taking it easy these past few days and not really doing much at all. I just need to make it through this week and then I'm home. That's all I can think about right now.

I've been thinking alot about my future lately. I don't know exactly what I want to do but i just know that being here in SC is not in my future. This type of school and education isn't for me. I'm more into the creative side of things and in a sense more fun things. I'm looking into maybe going to FIDM next year. That would be alot of fun and I think that kind of stuff is very interesting. I'm just looking forward to living in L.A. next year and still being with my best friend. Soo glad that we're going through this together, even though I know that this is wayy harder for her. I know it's gonna be alright in the end though. Being in LA will probably be a good thing for both of us. I'll be closer to my boy and she will be to hers as well. Andd we'll probably end up getting an appartment together!! Sounds like good times to me!

But anyways, I have to make it through these next 2 quarters before that and i feel like these classes are gonna kick my ass! Not looking too good to me..I guess we'll just see how things go. Also, I'm starting to really like my bangs now haha, unitl next time! Ciao!