I could never run away from you.

I don't know. I really just don't know.

Why is it so fucking hard for me to let go? I want to, really, I do. But at the same time I really don't. I know there is still something there, I feel it. I still want it to work out somehow..
I miss him so much. I still can't stop thinking about him.

Guys try and hit on me and all that but I pay no mind to them. People wonder why I was ever with H, but they just don't understand. They think I could do better, but they don't know him like I do. He is so amazing.

I just really hope things work out eventually.
Only time will tell. It has been over a month since the split. I should be over him, but these little slip ups have messed with my mind. AND all the drunken flirting has as well..

Until then I will be listening to this every night before bed. My current obsession.

cause there's something between us anyway

its kind of late but i had the sudden urge to write. so i am no longer with h. it's weird. i don't really know what happened which makes it that much harder to understand. also kind of hard to believe because things seemed so good to me and its hard to think that it so easy for him to just break it off like that. but i have no idea what his deal is anyways so i don't even know what to think. i need more explanation and insight as to his position on it all. we will see. i've talked to a lot of people about it and it's kind of hard to hear but i know that they are only trying to help me but it's hard when your heart thinks differently. i know in my heart that i don't want anyone else. and that just makes me seem pathetic because i feel like i am alone in that.

where is my mind?

Didnt write all of july, im getting kinda bad at this haha. recap.
JULY fourth of july was a ton of fun! went to dockwieler and was there allll dayyy. got super dark haha and did beachy things. nest day was kates fam picnic. played some volleyball and chilled. i was super sore from the beach though. we played soccer in the sand, suchhh a workout! so then h,w, and a came down to venice and we chilled over there. good times. i finally found a job at this point. at this new store at the mall called j'adore pink. its a cute store and its pretty chill. was home alone for about a week. mom and sis were in chicago and dad was in colombia, while i was here just at home! it was chill though. saw h, no control. some family things happened, cousin got hurt surfing and my gpa passed away. saw batman with h. just friends. went up north to see fam and go to the funeral. love my family so much, theyre the best. when i got back went on a little road trip to san diego for my roomies bday, as well as grants! soo much fun! slip up again with h. no control! haha


AUGUST so things have been back and forth. we try and be just friends and it never works out. we tried once more after the party. no go. once more after the next slip up..no go. saw pineapple express and chilled at his house after. met his mom finally. ate dinner with them. so after that night we pretty much decided to give up. i went over there again on friday and chilled at aris' parents office. there was soo much paper everywhere it was chill. paper fights and just good times. im so glad that ive been seeing sc people so much this summer. kate has been mia a lot. or maybe its just that we both have boys so we wanna spend time with them but she is consumed by him. i hate to say it but he is like her life. i feel like i never spend time with her like we used to. he is always somehow involved. i know i sound like a jealous friend and i kinda am. haha not that i dont like her bf. i really like him but she doesnt have to be with him alllll the time. theres gotta be best friend time too! now i see why friendships suffer when there is a boyfriend involved..hopefully things work out though.


so lately i've been trying to convice m parents to let me get a macbook pro but i might have to settle for a macbook. i feel like i have a chance this time, i just have to give a valid argument. i mean, they got my sister one! wtf, completely not fair. i will not fail. i will get one somehow. even if i gotta save up my own money and buy it myself. in the process of reading breaking dawn, i just dont want it to be over so i am taking my time, haha. its getting good though! ooh and i've been slowly but surely improving on the guitar. i;m so proud of myself that i'm actually sticking with this. it's a lot of fun and i love playing it and learning new songs! i just need to stick with it. my fingers are calloused and gross but hey i really could care less haha. i just booked my trip to visit my sister in chicago in september. im gonna be there for 6 days. pretty stoked to see what its like there. hmm and i got my housing stuff today, i move in on the 20th of september. pretty stoked to be going back and resume the good times all day, everyday!


until next time, ciao!

i'm dreamin' in the morning, dreamin' all through the night.

So june is coming to an end. h came down to visit cause he was gonna be in the area. we had lunch and went to venice beach and just hung out at my house. lakers lost that night haha. then two days later he came to pick me up! he took me to his part of town and we went to eat and watched pirates of the caribbean and beowulf. i was seeing him way more than i thought i would be. sister graduated and we had our grad/bday party. also went to kates later that night for her bros grad party. a was there but i hardly talked to him. i had my birthday as well . i saw most of the people i wanted to see on it. Had my pool day with kate, hung out with a for a bit before driving to the east side to see h. we watched star wars haha and i had some pasta that he had made. i wanted to stay and finish watching it but i couldn't. spending time with him is always so great. went back the next night for a little get together at h's and met some of his friends and his ex. saw aris! anyways that morning we had decided to end things for now and stop being together cause it would just get harder to end it later in the summer, even though its hard already. that was our last night together. it was a good end, but i don't think it is the end. i care about him a lot. i also told aaron about everything, he knows about h and stuff. he got kinda upset and i could tell he didn't like it. so we will see how that goes. still looking for a job haha. no luck yetttt. i miss everyone from sc a lot also. next year our appartment is gonna be sweeeet, cant waitt!

ciao!

oh! you pretty things.

I didnt write all of MAY! that makes me sad because i want to remember everything but here goes. May was probably one of the best months. we had our tres de mayo celebration and played a bit of soccer. i got locked out of h's room and slept in another room for the night.  gooood times hahaha. just pretty much quality times with my friends and made some great memories. i have a  SHIT TON of pictures so it's all goood mannn.

As for june, it was pretty great too so far. Ended the year well and had a fat hike around campus with 3 other friends. climbed to the top of tree nine and went on the rope swing. it was a pretty epic day. Throughout the past few months i've kind of been with h and it's been really good but it is summer now and i won't be seeing him or most of my sc friends often :[ i really miss them a lot. i'm glad that i will be living with them next year, it is going to be crazy and epic. cant wait!! i've been listening to pink floyd's dark side of the moon and a lot of david bowie. it's my comfort music right now because it reminds me of good times in sc...until next time. i am in the process of looking for a job and not looking forward to jury duty next week, AHH.

ciao!